Never going back to women
MY STORY OF WHY I AM GAY
Recently someone whom I know well from the chicago community came out that he was gay. Him having the strength to let people know and not being afraid of the backlash has given me the strength to talk about something I have held inside for far to long. I do not have the courage to put my name out there at this time as I have not yet told my wife, family, and the people who are close to me. I do however have a burning need to post my story to give other people strength and to realize if you have these same feelings you are not alone. Similar to the other person I have been fighting these feeling for years and have recently started acting out on them. The last few years I have been chatting and trading pictures with other men to satisfy the love and needs I have that my wife simply can not fulfill as I am not attracted to her in the slightest bit. I am blessed that I have a lot of free time but that has also been a curse with me having so much free time to fulfill my fantasies with no one realizing how many hours a day I spend in gay chat rooms chatting, texting, and viewing gay porn. I have always been attracted to men,boys, and thought by getting married it would push these feeling aside which it did for the first few years. I am now married 15+ years and the feelings towards men are stronger then ever. I find that I have a hard time davening as I am constantly checking out the other men and how great they look. I go to the mikva all the time hoping that I will see 1 of these men that I have a crush on. I have even touched some of them over the years in a playful way with out them realizing what I was doing. what I have really been doing is touching them for my own satisfaction. Over the years I have grabbed men asses when I just could not resist and then laughed it off, some have even said Shmuel stop acting gay, the joke is now on them as I have been gay and not just acting. I know it says in the torah the way I feel is wrong but things are different in world today and being gay is no longer something the should be hidden just because I am orthodox. Gay people should have the same rights as others. I am very wealthy and give a lot to charity we will see if these same people will still talk highly of me and ask for my money once I come out.